Passing of My Father and What It Taught Me

"But dad, why do you need to travel hundreds of miles when the person who passed away has already been buried?", that's how one of my arguments with my dad was when he insisted on visiting a family of an acquaintance that passed away.

"When someone leaves the world, he breaks all binds with the world that he has, but before the moment of burial, our presence is the way to show honour and respect to the person who has departed, and if that is not possible, visiting the family is to offer condolences during the difficult time and our mere presence in times of bereavement would mean a world to them", my dad explained while I, as always just scoffed away in disbelieve.

Mayor Giulianni during 9/11 Tragedy

It was years ago when I read about Rudy Giulianni, the ex-Mayor of New York who was in office during the 9/11 tragedy. Thousands lives, including hundreds of NYPD and FDNY were lost, and Mayor Giulianni ensured that he visited each family of the servicemen to pay his respect. Some media folks got inquisitive and asked him on why he took the time off amidst such a hectic schedule when he could just opt to hold a separate memorial and his response was, "marriages discretionary, funerals compulsory". It reminded me of my dad and when I told him the same in the evening, he smiled saying that it required the Mayor of NY to prove the point that he has been making to me all along!

My brother was right, our family never faced any similar situation before, we have always been the invincible ones, from the head of the family to his great grandchild, the Khan family was always fully represented, that was until exactly 3 weeks ago, when my father passed away. I for one, was devastated, my lifetime hero is now gone, my beacon of guidance, the one person whom I can always count on is no longer here to save me.

We had family friends who came from afar, our family foundation has been my father thus we do not have many relatives apart from my brothers' in-laws and my in-laws coming over to pay him the last respect. They came as soon as the news reached them, but this post is for those who are not bound by any relations to be there, but were there for us.  As highlighted by my dad's close friend, Uncle Rajinder Singh, "son, what you see here today is not family relations, but friends that values your father more than a family member". Uncle was right, it was really heartwarming to see the links of my father in the way I have never seen before.

At that moment, I realised how my father built a foundation for us all along, that when the day comes and he is no longer around, we would have this wonderful people that we could count on. I believe me and my brothers inherited the same unconsciously. People often were quizzical when I refer my best friends as my "relatives". Folks like Iman, Shane, Rafiq, Salem, Fairus, Nazri, Farhan and David were there for me and my family from the beginning to the end. Iman and Shane drove alongside me to Penang and had to be forced to go home and sleep. The rest came early and were there for us every step of the way! So yeah, without a consideration on their race, religion or every other discriminatory terms that mankind uses to divide themselves, these were my relatives! I also did not forget my other friends who couldn't be there personally but called, SMSed or FBed to offer their condolences!

What irks me is the rest of the people whom are considered relatives and are present in every other social function of ours, strutting their glorious outfit to outshine others, but were neither heard of or seen upon learning of our loss. These are the people that would be shoving their face on ours at every happy occasion, but couldn't spare a single dime to make a condolence phone call?

My dad was a great man, no!!! He was a legend as agreed by many others and surely he does not need their last respect but for them to not even bother to personally express their regret by picking up the phone to call, says a lot about their despicable character!

It won't be long, InsyaAllah when my wife will be delivering our child, it will be bittersweet for me as I always hoped that my dad could have just touched my child's head and give his blessing to me to take the realm of fatherhood. This year, even Eid would not be celebrated in our mourning and it hurts me deeply that I will not be there on the first day as Afriza is refrained from traveling due to doctor's advise and I will be only going home on the second raya after my in-laws returns from their hometown, sacrificing their raya so that I could return home.

But if there is one thing I could be assured off, is the presence of these people on the day when the baby arrives and they come trotting their congratulatory gestures! I won't be surprised if some of them would completely even forget the fact that I have lost my father recently! Frankly, I would despise their presence but my father has taught me that even an enemy that comes to our home, must be accorded with respect and hospitality, that is his virtue and I will uphold that as a gesture of honouring my father.

My dad always regarded me as the person that does not forgive easily, his advise has always been that "you can't wash away dirt with dirt, you need water to cleanse and purify". I will learn to embrace the same now, nevertheless, they shall not expect my presence at their joyful occasions but they can be assured of my presence during any devastating moment that befalls them because it is always easy to have people standing by you during the good times, but it takes higher virtues to be by someone's side at times of grievance...

"Marriages Discretionary... Funerals Compulsory"...